DON’T GO TO THE HARDWARE STORE LOOKING FOR MILK

I was recently given the opportunity to revisit an old lesson. One I thought I had learned well, but apparently a refresher course was in order.

The lesson is this…

“Don't go to the hardware store looking for milk.”

When we go to the wrong people looking for emotional support, here's what inevitably happens…

– We'll be judged

– We'll be criticized

– We'll feel diminished

– We'll legitimately feel hurt, rejected and abandoned…

Because… we ARE BEING hurt, rejected and abandoned!

And the truth is, it's our mistake.

We can't expect people to give us what they do not have to give. When we make the mistake of doing so, we have to take full responsibility for that mistake and learn the lesson so we can peacefully move on and choose better for ourselves next time 'round. If not, we'll keep learning the lesson over and over until we finally get it.

Here's the thing…

People who are constitutionally incapable of loving and supporting themselves in a consistent and healthy way cannot be expected to provide us with loving and healthy emotional support.

People who judge and criticize themselves and everyone else all the live long day do not have an abundance of love, empathy, patience, tolerance or compassion to offer us when we are struggling, having a hard time or a bad day. If they don't have it for themselves, they can't possibly have it to give to us.

It does not matter if we are talking about people we feel ‘should' have these qualities to offer us. It does not matter if we are talking about people we feel we've been there for and have fully supported. It does not matter if we are talking about a parent, a sibling, a relative, a colleague, a sponsor or a ‘so called' friend. People cannot give us what they do not have… period, no matter who they are. Our expecting otherwise is a great way to set ourselves up for hurt and disappointment.

So when we go to the hardware store looking for milk, whose responsibility is it really? In becoming willing to take full responsibility for our lapse in judgment, we free ourselves to move on with much more clarity, acceptance and peace of mind.

Choosing wisely who is on our team and in our inner circle of support is a very important key to loving and supporting ourselves in a healthy way. It can go a long way to save us all kinds of grief.

The truth is, not everyone is worthy or deserving of the gift of our friendship. Not everyone is worthy or deserving of our sharing our pain, our struggles, our frustrations, our hard times, or our bad days. This is not a ‘value' issue. Some people just aren't there yet. And the reality is they may not be for a few more lifetimes. Tell yourself the truth and accept it for what it is.

It is up to us to learn to invest in the right friendships and relationships. A great place to start is with the relationship we have with ourselves as well as the relationship we have with our higher power. These are the two most important relationships to focus on first and foremost. When they are strong, it takes the pressure off of ALL of our other relationships.

The reality is most people are struggling in their own right, fighting battles we know nothing about. It's up to us to choose wisely whom we open up to in trust, go to and share with when we're having a hard time or a rough day.

We can save ourselves and everyone else a lot of unnecessary discomfort by simply keeping our standards high, becoming more discerning and selective and not expecting people to give us what they do not yet have to give.

Choose wisely.