One day last fall, quite by accident, I learned that my mother had passed away… seven months earlier.
It's a strange thing to learn of your mother's death the way I did. Given the nature of our non-relationship relationship, however, it shouldn't have come as any surprise.
My mother walked out of my life when I was a toddler and never looked back. As an adult, I made two separate, sincere and truly valiant attempts to form a relationship with her. Unfortunately, my mother was simply incapable, where I am concerned…. so I walked away… the last time… with peace in my heart, knowing I had done my best.
If there's one thing I've learned it's the importance of accepting that there are some things in life that I am completely and utterly powerless over. My mother's perception of reality was one of those things.
The truth is I never stood a chance with her. The reason I say that is this…
It is my opinion that my mother was a pathological narcissist. I don’t say this lightly. It comes after many years of my own personal recovery work, counseling, and therapy, informing and educating myself on all things ACOA for my own understanding and personal healing. Sadly, narcissistic abuse is more often than not part of the family dynamic that ACOA's have had to endure and overcome. Based on my experience, my mother without question fit the bill.
There is simply no other way to account for the colossal lack of empathy, compassion, and conscience she displayed around having abandoned me at such a young age. There is also no other way to account for or explain away all of the unnecessary lying, manipulation, triangulation, sabotaging, gas-lighting and projection. SO much projection!
Unless a person has been directly affected by the behavior of a true blue, died in the wool narcissist, it is very difficult for them to understand the impact it can have on us. It really is a special form of insanity. Close proximity to a narcissist can be crazy making and painful, to say the least.
That is in large part due to the fact that when a human being lacks conscience and is completely fear based, any ‘perceived' threat inspires the worst kind of behavior, rationalization, and justification. These people don't think, feel or operate like the rest of us. For the sake of self-preservation, there are some folks we are better off loving from a distance. For me, my mother was one of those people.
Many years ago, when the time had come for me to do the forgiveness and releasing work where she was concerned, I was able to piece together enough information and understanding as to what the circumstances were surrounding her birth. With the little bit of information I had, it was easy for me to imagine that as a newborn, in the environment she found herself in, with the circumstances being what they were at the time, there was no possible way she could have received the love, care and nurturing that an infant child would need to receive in order to develop in an emotionally healthy way. It was in genuinely considering what her early reality must have been like that I found the ability to completely forgive and release her.
The hard truth is, no matter how much we love… some people are simply and constitutionally incapable of loving us back. This is a truth I've had to accept over and over in my life with a number of family members. My mother was no exception.
So the day I found out my mother had died months earlier, I found myself once more mourning the loss of what never was. However, I also felt a deep sense of gratitude and peace. I was grateful that I had done the healing work and had long forgiven a woman who, for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with me, could not give me what she did not have. I was also especially grateful for all the ways in which I have been supported, loved and protected in my life, for there have been many.
Today, I remain grateful for the understanding that gives my heart peace where she and many others are concerned. Hurt people hurt people. It's a sad fact of life but when we can begin to understand the implications of that, put ourselves in what we can only imagine to have been their shoes, we are more easily able to forgive and let go. This by no means condones their behavior or the damaging effects of their harmful treatment of us. What it does is shift the energy around the situation and contributes massively to our own healing and capacity for health, happiness, and peace. In other words, we forgive for us… not them.
May you rest in peace, Linda.
#knowyourvalue #unlockyourfreedom
